Tiger Woods’ body found!

(I found this piece while searching for up-to-the-minute news on the internet about Tiger Woods.  For people who want to know, indeed, who need to know, this will answer all your questions about our last, great [brown] hope.  Prepare to be stunned into pure goofiness by the following revelations! Above all, enjoy and “learn something,” as my father likes to advise me.)

By Doscats

February 18, 2010

ALGÚN LUGAR, Arizona.  In a stunning reversal of metaphorical meaning, Doscats Investigations reports that forensic linguists, cultural symbologists, and historical semiologists have discovered what appears to be the remains of Tiger Woods’ body embedded superficially on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine.

In what has been announced to be a second coming or resurrection in the form of a “viewing” (Friday, February 19, 2010) of select friends and media where it is reported he will “publicly” and formally address his sins against his lovely Swedish wife Elin Nordegren who he only married apparently to satisfy the mainstream need—especially in the conservative world of golf—for cultural normalcy and acceptance especially for a hyper-talented, potentially physically threatening, biracial brown man, Tiger “Eldrick” Woods will actually be exhumed from Vanity Fair’s cover.

The scientific experts will then perform their detailed examination on what was previously thought to be a high value golfing superhero to expose him as what he really is: the fetishized, exotic hybrid creature constructed of the inner darknesses of Nike founder Phil Knight and IMG superagent Mark Steinberg.

Insiders tell Doscats that what will be in evidence at the “public” viewing—there is a kind of morgue-like quality to the event because the death of an image is what will be exposed to the limited light of reason and the need to know and only to a select few who will view the remains and will likely be sworn to oaths of secrecy because the sight will be unseemly as best—will only be a draped corpse of a magazine cover.

Messrs Knight and Steinberg are said to be fearful that their hero/monster, their Frankensteinian creation that tended toward sexually excessive pathology, racial self-hatred in the form of a desire for skanky white women servers (implicitly a fear of strong women of color?), and a resistance to any kind of personal vulnerability in the form of public acknowledgement of weakness except as it would appear in dysfunctional public/golf expressions of explosive anger and impatience, might actually implode or dissolve if exposed, vampire-like, to the light of open questioning by the media and cultural gawkers who desire to understand and control their cultural/mythological heroes and artifacts.

Indeed, inside sources have confirmed for Doscats that there will not so much as be a public viewing of the TW mythological corpse, but an announcement that the idea of Tiger Woods as a useful cultural symbol will be retired to a tomb located deep within the bowels of his famous yacht “Privacy.”

Like the British cruise ship QE2, it is reported that the Tiger Woods’ “Mythos Liner,” as it will be called, will accept reservations for small parties of exclusive myth worshipers who will pay for the privilege to travel with the TW exhumed image remains between various ports of call including Dubai, Orlando, San Diego, Monterey Peninsula, and St. Andrews, all important sites to the construction of the TW mythos.

Doscats has learned that the funds from these excursions will also include brief, unannounced approaches to port coastlines where media and the adoring mythological public can view the passing and gradually fading metaphor of virtuosity, power, and integrity from a safe distance, saving the heroic memory from having to hire security staff to protect the “Privacy” from hurled epithets and the occasional, “Pay me or I will talk!”

The funding from these excursions is also intended to defray the costs of supporting the dashed dreams of many an aspiring-to-greatness young boy and girl of color, including those of us here at Doscats who are bi/multi-racial, who need heroes to look up to and a monetary helping hand.  (Like the myth, we love the PlayStation and the Wii. With everything imploding around us kind of like the myth experienced it after his “crash,” they’re useful as an escape from reality.) With the costs of education rising, prisons being one of the major sources of free housing and meals for us boys of color, and INS agents and police always at our heels creating pretexts to stop, harass or deport us, the guilt of the myth must continue to pay for his social sins against us and our dreams.

Finally, insiders have confirmed that tomorrow’s viewing will conclude with a statement by Knight/Steinberg, authors of the TW idea:

“We, the creators of the myth of Tiger Woods, and like the good transnational capitalists that we are—extremely successful exploiters of cheap transnational workforces and resources in a globalized economy that help us to market and fetishize products and images to reliably gullible consumers who want to imagine themselves as heroically disembodied beings whose world is their oyster where they can go and consume whenever and wherever they want to—heretofore pronounce our intention to limit our actions to what we’ve always done.  We don’t and won’t pretend to be something we’re not.  We will always do what we do, that is, play to the cultural fantasies of whatever cultural group we’re selling our products to and that includes creating fantasies that exoticize commodities like TW.  Especially TW.”

“We will continue to protect OUR brand—see how we emphasize “OUR” and not brand—for, indeedy weedy, the myth’s power is in his silence, his perceived ability to contain the raging natural forces within and control the impending doom from without.”

“It is this unnaturalness of the TW myth in the oh-so-natural and recently unveiled powerful brown body that taps into the productive forces of surplus value that we like so much.  We just love imagining the ways we can market this unnatural nature in this hybrid exotic construct. So we won’t let the myth speak for itself or show vulnerability because when he does he screws it all up for us.  (Remember the 1997 GQ interview and the still-with-us car crash and marriage infidelity.  See all the lucrative endorsements he’s lost for us already?  This is about cost containment, damnit!)”

“So, like so many other brown men, including one who inhabits the White House currently, we will continue to limit and script his speech lest his brown/black expression get him into trouble with the distrusting and fickle Euroamerican consumer.  We intend to and will successfully contain the damage so that the myth can properly focus on what he’s good at: playing golf. (Using his body.)”

“While we can’t ensure that Elin will agree with our approach to buying her silence and maintaining a happy married face to support mainstream notions of cultural normalcy, we will focus on reimagining the myth as a damaged hero whose eventual redemption will surely be greater than any of his previous accomplishments especially if it includes breaking the final and greatest golf record of winning more major championships than any other golfer.”

“And we will use that to line our pockets.  Trust us on that one!”

(Deep gratitude for the additional reporting and interpretation of recent TW events included here from Mythological Reporting International, Freaks of Nature Unlimited, Union of Exoticized Others, and Unadorned Superheroes for Sale.)

© 2010 Doscats Investigations

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